Secrets Unveiled: The Good, the Bad, and the Private in Marriage

Episode 2 OMR Secrets

Shennice Cleckley: [: 00:00:00

LeBrian Cleckley: oh, I'm, I'm LeBrian Cleckley. I was listening to the theme music in my head.

Because I really like the theme music and I don't get to hear it before we start, so it just finished. Hi, I am LeBrian Cleckley. Pay no attention with

Shennice Cleckley: our marriage rocks all the time to my husband because

LeBrian Cleckley: ready to rock some marriages today.

Shennice Cleckley: Oh my goodness. One day he will come on air. And we will record, and I'm gonna leave this in on the edit because it's him and it's us.

But today we're gonna be talking about keeping secrets in a marriage. Is it bad? Is it good? Is it other? All of that good stuff, because it's a problem to me. I think it's bad thing,

rom home maybe like a lot of [: 00:01:00

Me more productive, but sometimes I'm wearing sweats and today is a sweat day. And I was pretty productive. And I'm pretty comfortable too. And I know that was random, but I just wanted to share

Shennice Cleckley: that. What in the world did that have to do with the podcast? Absolutely nothing.

LeBrian Cleckley: So you just wanna let people know you gonna switch?

I did. I just want people to know that I have personality.

Shennice Cleckley: And again, if you've seen us on our visual podcast, I'm smiling. So it's going to be on YouTube. On our visual podcast, you will notice that he has an issue with changing clothes based on what he has on. Let me tell you guys, he changed to this.

Because he had on a different jacket, so he changed for the podcast to this jacket, and then he's matching me. So now we bopsy twins.

LeBrian Cleckley: Now who's random?

et back to the conversation? [: 00:02:00

You brought up the conversation, actually, you gave the teaser last week that we were going to discuss secrets.

LeBrian Cleckley: Yes. Now

Shennice Cleckley: why did you bring that up?

LeBrian Cleckley: Do you think? All secrets for you? No, because I'm pretty sure I was watching. Shannon Sharp's YouTube video, YouTube show, or maybe that's saw on his Instagram.

I actually follow Shannon Sharp. Way more than I should shout out to Uncle Shea. Shea. How you doing? Just talk about it. But he had a little story about some Instagram shenanigans involving Oh wow. I should have researched, I should've had this written down, but involving a basketball player a famous basketball player whose wife

Shennice Cleckley: Oh.

Was the only fan's

ntly. The ball player's wife [: 00:03:00

Oh, she was, she was a dancer. We'll put it that way. I think that's it. Can I say that dancer? She's an adult dancer. Yeah. Okay. She was an adult dancer. I used to be a stripper. Well there you go. Now we've crossed the line .

Shennice Cleckley: And so, and I didn't take dollars. I took five.

LeBrian Cleckley: Go and again. Go, go, go, go. Okay. Go ahead.

See it is just like, remember the Bobby and Whitney show and everybody thought the issue was Bobby Brown until the show came out. And you said it's not Bobby, it's Whitney. Remember, be mindful of, of that, but not as you travell this, this journey with us.

Shennice Cleckley: Vel Rel Anyway. Okay. Talk about, about Shannon Sharp and the day Bobby, it's Whitney.

Go, go ahead now. Keep finishing.

ave been . I don't think so. [: 00:04:00

Shennice Cleckley: Ocho. Oh, when they were having the conversation?

Yeah. Oh, okay. But

LeBrian Cleckley: somebody made the, the comment you can't make

Shennice Cleckley: I know that old saying, we not gonna say it though, that's

LeBrian Cleckley: just mean. But it is what it is. Biblically, biblically, there's some, there's some. But

Shennice Cleckley: you can because I did that. Samson married the whole, no, no, no. What Sam, who was that?

LeBrian Cleckley: You know what, who married the whole, we may have to stop and let me do research, but but in the meantime anyway, go ahead.

Mm-Hmm. point is she, she helped, she kept this secret from our husband, not about her being an adult entertainer, but about her having an only fans account now. So the, the question becomes, should there be secrets in your marriage? Mm. and I'm not gonna, what I've learned since I've been, well, I've been married twice what I've learned is that no ma no two marriages are alike. So,

Shennice Cleckley: so are you giving credence to having secrets in your marriage? I'm

: not, I'm not saying giving [: 00:05:00

Then who am I to say whether or not that's

Shennice Cleckley: right or wrong? I don't think secrets ever benefit both parties ever.

LeBrian Cleckley: Well, it it, it, it has to do with what you all decided at the beginning. I don't think, well, I, well, I'll tell you what I don't think is, I don't think at the beginning enough marriages spend times making decisions.

About what they're going to do or what they're not gonna do. I don't think boundaries are set properly at the beginning. I don't think guidelines are set properly at the beginning. And you work them out and you attributed that to, well, you know, that's being married and getting to know each other. But some of it's just because you didn't sit down and talk about what you like.

But funny you say that and the other person,

, ba ba I did research. I, I [: 00:06:00

And I think there's a difference between secret and private secret is you just straight hiding it and you don't want nobody to know. Private is you wanna keep something for yourself. That that's different. Okay. But anyway, here are the circumstances. The number one thing was a surprise gesture. Keeping secrets such as if you're planning a surprise gift or something for your partner's excitement, that's one reason.

rivate matters. Like I can't [: 00:07:00

LeBrian Cleckley: Well that, that makes sense. I mean, what you're thinking as you're going through, you know, through conversations or through the course of a regular day, you know, sometimes you may some think something about your spouse or. I may think something about my wife that I probably shouldn't say out loud. And that's perfectly good to keep that to

Shennice Cleckley: yourself.

But that's when I came up with my, my book. I'm a writer. So I have a notebook that I call my, my vent book or my rage or angry book. 'cause I don't like, like my regular writings and all this stuff. Anyway, so I have this book and in this book it is, my first thoughts is if there's a situation I write.

think I'm a horrible person. [: 00:08:00

It's not how I truly feel. It's the emotion involved. And somebody took the , read my notebook one time early in our marriage.

LeBrian Cleckley: No, I did not read that book. You did? Well, I didn't. I specifically, once you told me what that book was, I specifically put it out of my mind about reading it. I thought you ran

Shennice Cleckley: a page.

No.

LeBrian Cleckley: Oh, I I. Because I didn't want get mad.

Shennice Cleckley: Yeah, you don't wanna get mad. But then every time I write what I, you always look at me like what you write.

LeBrian Cleckley: Yeah. Because I need to know if it's going in that book , it may not go in that book. Well then, then Tammy's not going in that book. But you

Shennice Cleckley: don't need know that because that's my personal thoughts.

LeBrian Cleckley: I need to know, Hey, this is going in the book. I'm not asking you what the thought is, but if I see you writing and for some reason I feel compelled to ask you, and it's something that's going in that book. You need to tell me it's going in that book. Mm. And I'll shut up and leave you alone

Shennice Cleckley: anyway. Number three, protecting privacy.

d reasons to keep aspects of [: 00:09:00

LeBrian Cleckley: I'm, I'm. If it's a personal health issue, then you need to share that with your spouse because whether or not you all decide to have children, if there's something about you physically that has happened or even emotionally that's happened.

You need to share that because you don't want a situation to, to arrive where there's somebody else that knows something that your spouse doesn't know.

Shennice Cleckley: Well, in health, yes, I can see it. In health, you do need to share with your spouse

LeBrian Cleckley: and emotionally as well, because you have to think about how your spouse will feel because if your spouse is the one person that you've.

we believe in Christ. We're, [: 00:10:00

Yeah. Because that, that, that whole becoming a one flesh thing, is it, it's a challenge. It's hard. It's hard, it's a challenge. But if you believe in that and that's something you're striving for, you can't keep an emotional truth.

Shennice Cleckley: No, but I think, but in this case from the other, it's a protecting privacy.

There's certain things in my background that don't, even though I've actually told you everything, but there could have been certain things in my background that I didn't want to share with you that has nothing to do with what we, I can

LeBrian Cleckley: understand, have together, understand, not wanting to, but you're going.

nt, who you don't want to be [: 00:11:00

Shennice Cleckley: but that's if it's something that's going to affect the relationship,

LeBrian Cleckley: but everything will.

Shennice Cleckley: Okay. We'll see. Okay, number four is temporary withheld. Withholding in situations where sharing a secret immediately could cause unnecessary worry or stress.

Temporarily. Temporarily withholding information until appropriate time can be thoughtful. Make a thoughtful decision. That's what my angry book is. Is temporarily withholding this emotion and feeling until I can be more thoughtful with my thoughts.

LeBrian Cleckley: And again it's a communication issue. 'cause you should be able to say that to your spouse and preferably your spouse will be able to say, well, all right.

or I'm gonna tell her later. [: 00:12:00

Shennice Cleckley: garages now. Now that's true. You need to get it out there.

So number five was preserving independence. Maintaining a degree of independence or personal space within a marriage can be healthy, and this might involve keeping some aspects of your life separate from your partner. What do you think about that?

LeBrian Cleckley: I think that's a good example of, of well, there's a school of thought from generations past, and I would say the parents, our gener, our parents' generation, and maybe our grandparents gener, but they were secretive and they were just downright secretive.

They were more, they kept more secrets. Yeah. They will tell you that, you know, marriage is one thing and marriage is that and the other, but when they're talking to you individually. It, it's a whole nother state. I mean, they're, they're, mm-Hmm, . There are mothers out there that, that have told their daughters, you don't need to tell your husband

Shennice Cleckley: everything.

Don't [: 00:13:00

Because wives not even that long ago, couldn't write a check, couldn't open a bank account, couldn't have a credit card. So having your own money was your own sense of purpose and nest egg that you couldn't do. So I understand what it came from. I'm

LeBrian Cleckley: not, again, I'm not disagree saying. Times passed. Those, those conversations were had, and on the flip side of those conversations were men were fathers or older men told their sons, Hey, you know, this is how you, this is how you treat a woman.

e the head of the household. [: 00:14:00

And, and, and the guy said, you know what, no, I don't, I don't disrespect women at all, but, but I'll check a bitch if I got to what? And you know,

Shennice Cleckley: how can you say that in the same sentence?

LeBrian Cleckley: That's stupid. That's the point, is these were kind of conversations that men had with other men, older men had with younger men.

Older women had with younger

Shennice Cleckley: women. But I think that they have those conversations to try to make you seem like you, the, the big dog in the house instead of understanding. There's a shared response

LeBrian Cleckley: there, there. That's exactly what happened. But however. Without that caveat being set up front, Hey, this is just in the bar.

This is just up us in the barbershop talking shit. And, and, and without talking what? Talking shit. Without explaining that daddy,

without explaining that [: 00:15:00

Shennice Cleckley: do.

I've, I've had a older woman and two say, you tell your husband everything, and I'm like, yep. I do. I do. Okay. So we kn those are the reasons

LeBrian Cleckley: why. So yeah. And that's, that's where this whole, this whole concept with secrets began I think in that each, the husband and wife were hearing .

Shennice Cleckley: Advice that was not necessarily the best advice, right?

But you do always, anytime you get advice you have to weigh the good, the bad, and the ugly to see if it fits and then make it fit for your situation. Well,

things, look at your source. [: 00:16:00

Might be a great guy, but. But have you ever met his wife? Have you ever seen him around town with his wife?

Shennice Cleckley: Have you ever seen him on social media? There's some married people. I never seen their spouses. I'm like, are they keeping these spouses secret? I, I just have a issue with that because

LeBrian Cleckley: we, we just, we went to homecoming just, just the past weekend and I know, I know cats, I went to school, went to school with, and they're married.

I know they're married, but when it's time for homecoming or it's time for football games or what have you. They don't, you know their wives, they travel with their wives, but when they get to the game, they go in opposite directions. Mm-Hmm. . 'cause you got two different groups of friends. You got your soars, you got your frats or what have you.

But at, at some point,

Shennice Cleckley: is that why we have Dove love so we can hang together and be constitutionally bad? No, it's '

ey: cause antisocial anyway, [: 00:17:00

It may not be your pastor, it may not be the the deacon at your church. It may be.

Shennice Cleckley: It could be any, anybody group. Okay, so let's look at the reasons why it's bad. So I wanted to go over why it's good first, or how it could be acceptable. Well, no,

LeBrian Cleckley: let's go back. Why that first reason you said why it was good, the acceptable,

Shennice Cleckley: acceptable surprise gestures.

No personal boundaries.

LeBrian Cleckley: That was a surprise. Just, and again, I, I go back to what I said at the top,

Shennice Cleckley: so that means you're gonna throw me a secret birthday party for January?

LeBrian Cleckley: No, I'm not. Oh, okay. Well, well, that means is the communication. My wife likes surprises, she likes big things, and being surprised.

Not everybody does. [: 00:18:00

Now she's upset and now I'm upset. 'cause I was just trying to do a surprise birthday party. But it's my fault because she don't like surprises. She

Shennice Cleckley: said that that's if I didn't like surprises, but I do,

LeBrian Cleckley: don't I get in a party.

Shennice Cleckley: Oh. So let's go over some of the bad reasons.

And wants to be around us . [: 00:19:00

Keeping secrets in a marriage can erode the foundation of trust and honesty. And transparency is essential for a strong, healthy relationship. That's just common sense to me because it goes into the next one, which is one that you, whatcha doing? I'm

LeBrian Cleckley: looking at my beard on the camera. Why? Because

Shennice Cleckley: I'm sexy.

We're doing a whole podcast. Okay. So then the next thing would be communication breakdown. So that's where that goes into. So if gonna enroll Trust secrets, lead to a breakdown in communication. Making it difficult to address important issues. That's what you were saying before.

LeBrian Cleckley: Oh yeah. I mean the, the ball player's wife.

en't heard her rationale and [: 00:20:00

Shennice Cleckley: So the next thing is. If you keep secrets that you increase suspicion. So when one partner discovers that the other one's keeping a secret, it can lead to increased suspicion and insecurity, negatively impacting the emotional wellbeing of both individuals.

LeBrian Cleckley: There's a lot of syllables in that sentence. It's,

Shennice Cleckley: but it does 'cause when you get a sneaky suspicion, . It breaks down the communication, which then leads to eroding of trust. It all builds on top of each other. The next is the potential for resentment. So over time, you can resent that party for excluding them.

ts the marriage's stability, [: 00:21:00

Secrets bury everything. Secrets makes everything harder. The emotional distance, the physical distance, the suspicion, the results. So if you keep them, it just makes it harder to make your person, your, your spouse, your person.

LeBrian Cleckley: It does. And two, and yeah. See, two things need to happen. If you, if it is, if there's a situation that comes up and you've kept a secret, be it adv, be it on purpose, be it inadvertently, be it because you were trying to

ey, I did something that was [: 00:22:00

Maybe I should say three things. Mm-Hmm. . First thing is you have to set up your parameters, your, your boundaries, your marriage rules. And if the se keeping the secrets outside of that, the person that kept the secret has to acknowledge it. Mm-Hmm. and has to say, Hey, this is what happened. Mm-Hmm. doesn't matter why so much, but I did want to acknowledge that I broke our marriage rule.

Shennice Cleckley: Yeah. Now, now that's, if you have, I won't call it a rule, but a marriage guidepost, a marriage understanding criteria because you do have an understanding with your spouse that you know, . They're not gonna go forward or, or you come together with it level, even if you don't talk about, there's

LeBrian Cleckley: certain things.

You know, your

Shennice Cleckley: spouses. Exactly. It's it. So, but I have a secret to tell you.

LeBrian Cleckley: I'm sure you have several secrets. You

Shennice Cleckley: tell me I have a only fans page. No, not supposed. I show my feet and I pour honey on them.

LeBrian Cleckley: Don't care. I would like to know what the cash is because if you don't have any cash, then you need to do a different type of only

Shennice Cleckley: fans.[: 00:23:00

But I've been doing something strange for the change.

LeBrian Cleckley: If the change isn't coming through, then you need to figure something else out. , I'm just saying whatever it is that you're doing needs to be possible.

Shennice Cleckley: Oh, I tried my

LeBrian Cleckley: best. The thing that needs to happen. After you, the person a, the secret or the secret holder, what has said that?

What Then it becomes, IM, it becomes imperative on the person that the secret was sold from. They, they, I think they need to, they need to accept the apology and begin taking, and begin taking steps. To heal themselves from the hurt. Now that's true, and if you do that

Shennice Cleckley: together, but you're putting a lot of responsibility on the person that it was affecting,

LeBrian Cleckley: well, it it, you have to, the person that was affected has to because they're the ones that hurt

Shennice Cleckley: and that's hurt.

That's one thing to forgive is another thing to forget.

rking on that. Otherwise, it [: 00:24:00

But that's

Shennice Cleckley: what I mean. It's hard to forget. And that person who did the offending or held the secret truly needs to know that your spouse may want to continue to ask questions, right? And don't say, well, aren't you over it yet? You should have forgiven me. But this goes into a whole nother nother thing about forgiveness and asking for forgiveness, but.

You're, when you get into the secrets, if you are earnest and true with it, then yes, I would advise to forgive for that person, right?

LeBrian Cleckley: And I, and, and, and begin to work on forget. And that may require you to seek outside. You might have to seek a, there some counsel.

Shennice Cleckley: Therapy is good, y'all, I'm telling you. And

LeBrian Cleckley: therapy is fine.

ldn't, would never think of. [: 00:25:00

Shennice Cleckley: I mean when, because this is our second marriage. One of the things that we did when we went into our marriage is we vowed in order to always do enrichment. Whether it is just some kind of way going, going to a therapist, going to marriage conferences, doing things.

So much so where we became so dedicated to, we teach it now, we help people. We're marriage enthusiasts because it does take responsibility and work in order to evolve with your spouse in order to have a gut marriage. So, that was one of our ground rules is always to work and enrich our marriage and to make sure that we do it together.

Right. Yeah. All right. Any other PA lasting or last words you wanna say about secrets?

are out there, remember the [: 00:26:00

Shennice Cleckley: oh, limelight, one time for the Limelight.

So that's only for the people who are from South Carolina Columbia, South Carolina, who know about that. But really any other . Words. Alright, so that's this week's episode of our Marriage Rocks. We're talking about secrets and five reasons why they may be okay, not necessarily right, but where it may be.

Okay? And those five reasons are surprise gestures, personal boundaries, protecting privacy. . A temporary withholding and preserving independence. But there's always a caveat with all of them. And there are some five reasons why it is not good to have secrets, because it erodes trust, communication breakdown.

ces. So thank you for coming [: 00:27:00

And sign up for our page at www our marriage rocks. Dot com. So until next time, thank you so much and we'll see you again.